I’m lying in a strange bed watching a romantic movie by myself crying my eyes out. Yes, niddah has come to call again. I want to feel my husband’s embrace. I want to sleep in the same bed. But I must choose. Will I choose to fulfill my physical desires? Or will I choose to put my King’s wishes before my own? No one but Him will ever know. After all, it is a very private matter. People can see me keeping Shabbat. They can see my tzitziyot. But no one can see my niddah observance. So does it really matter? I don’t completely understand it anyway.

But deep in my heart, I am reminded of Yahshua’s words. If I am faithful in the little things, He will give me responsibility over big things. My obedience in secret will someday be rewarded openly. No one else knows about our struggles, our longing. But YHVH sees and understands. He knows what it is to suffer in silence. He chose His bride and watched as they were horrendously unfaithful to Him. He sees them scattered over the globe, not even remembering who they are. He knows the price to bring them back home. He is counting the days till He can truly be with His bride again. He longs for the day when His bride will return His advances in a pure and wonderful relationship.

But until that day, He waits. He longs. He suffers.

That niddah blood reminds us of death, the loss of potential life. Perhaps that is part of the reason for niddah. Death and sin have made us unclean, niddah, and separate us from Him. YHVH knows that the death, sin, wickedness must be cast aside to remove the separation between Him and His bride.

Every month I am called to bear this burden, and sometimes it seems more than I can bear. But I want to be found faithful in the little things. I am defined by who I am when no one sees. YHVH suffers the separation in silence, without complaint.

When He returns for me, will I be found doing anything less?