In loving memory of my mother Deborah Becker 1951-2023

I recently lost my mother, and while I miss her terribly every day, I also want to honor her and the many lessons she taught me. I hope these lessons will be helpful to you as well.

It’s okay to grieve and feel hard things

One of the things that struck me as fascinating when we first came to Torah was the fact that the Hebrews were very “earthy.” As we read the Torah portions, we discover that there is no topic off limits, from “that time of the month” to deep sorrow and loss. In our society, these topics may be associated with unnecessary shame, or we shy away from them because they are too painful. When we lose someone, we are given a casserole and a sympathy card and expected to put our chin up and carry on. Whereas, in the Hebrew culture, death was very much a part of life. People mourned for 30 days. They allowed themselves to feel the deep grief by wailing and tears. Dealing with hard topics and big, painful feelings is hard for us in the modern world. But, I think it is a lesson that we need to learn to properly mature as Yah’s people.

After my mom died, a memory from 13 years before rang through my mind. When I was in labor with baby #5, it had become quite clear that I would not be getting the VBAC I had hoped for. My mind knew that this was the best decision for me and baby, but my heart was breaking. Everyone left the room to prepare for the c-section except my mother. When everyone was gone, she wrapped her arms around me and said, “It’s okay to grieve a loss.” We cried together in those brief moments alone. In the last few months without her, those words have carried me through.

I want each of you to know that it’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to feel big and painful emotions. It’s okay to talk about tricky subjects. We need to learn to be real about life. The psalms are full of people simply being real about their struggles, their losses, their fears, and their pain. YHVH is not surprised at our emotions. He isn’t offended. He can handle it. We need to get to the point as believers that we can be real with each other as well. We need to meet each other in our pain and grief, knowing that it is universal among us.

Do you need to be more real about grief and loss? Are you struggling with your own loss, or how to help someone in your life who has lost someone?

In the days and weeks after I lost my mom, the little acts of kindness meant so much to me. I appreciated those who took the time to show up to the funeral, or send a card. I don’t care for the platitudes found in most cards, so I created some sincere and thoughtful cards you may wish to use instead. (coming soon) But, just knowing that they were thinking and praying for me and my family was so helpful. Decide to overcome any fears about what to say or do, and just try to reach out to those you know who are grieving. Start with sending a card, even if it’s been weeks or months. They are still hurting six months later.

Study and test everything

My mother always had a book in her hand. When we were still in church, she often read “contraband,” books on topics that the pastor never would have approved of. She read all of our schoolbooks before she assigned them to us. My dad commented recently that he feels like he lives in a library. She knew her Bible very well. I had many Biblical discussions with her as we wrestled to make sure our beliefs were solidly grounded in Scripture. I was pleasantly surprised to hear several well-learned believers tell me after her death that they always benefited from conversations with her. They were challenged, grew in their faith, and always learned something from talking with her.

We would all do well to follow her example. We need to know what we believe and why we believe it. Truth can be and should be tested. Since my mother studied and tested her beliefs regularly, she was able to recognize when someone said or taught something wrong. Initially, she might have only felt something off. But, she would study and write notes until she could accurately point to the problem. Develop the habit of testing your faith. Check what you hear from others. Write notes. Follow topics through your Bible. Learn how different passages of Scripture connect. The more truth you know, the easier it is to recognize lies.

Do you need to be more diligent in study and testing information?

Start a new habit today by picking a book to read to learn more about a topic you struggle with. What book will you read first?

What lesson speaks the most to you?

I hope you will be able to put into practice the lessons I learned from my mother. She was a wise woman who didn’t know or understand the impact she had on many lives. Which of these lessons really spoke to you?